What am I going to have for breakfast tomorrow morning?
Does that wall need re-painting?
Should I move to the Amalfi coast and start a new life?
If was to be reincarnated, what animal would I be?
Sound familiar? You’re not alone. Intrusive thoughts can interfere in your life and disrupt how you interact with the people around you, distracting you from tasks and sometimes stopping you from thinking clearly. To top it off, they can even mess up your sexual experiences.
We’ve all been there, the lights have been dimmed, things have begun to heat up, then bang; what superpower would I want? Please, brain. Not right now. According to a study from 2013, intrusive thoughts affect up to 94% of usi, often getting in the way of otherwise positive sexual experiences.
Intrusive thoughts are often linked with anxiety, and sometimes these thoughts aren’t solely irrational and can be about the act of sex itself. It’s very common to have some sexual anxiety when being intimate with someone no matter how comfortable you are together – even your long-term partner. These thoughts can be the likes of - will it hurt when I pee afterwards? Am I in pain right now? Am I hurting my partner? Am I close to orgasm? Am I going to finish at all?
How can intrusive thoughts impact your sex life?
It’s understandable that you might think intrusive thoughts symbolise something wrong with your relationship. The truth is, there are millions of people who also have these thoughts, many of whom have healthy relationships and sex lives. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t invest time in understanding why intrusive thoughts happen, especially if it helps you better manage them.
Anxiety can create emotional barriers when having sex, distracting you from the experience and interfering with the connection that can make it more enjoyable. The intrusive thoughts are happening in your head, but the anxiety can manifest itself in dissociation, boredom or even discomfort, all of which can be felt – or read – by your partner.
Studies have shown that anxiety is a risk factor for low desire, difficulty reaching orgasm, and pain during sex among cis womenii. For cis men, an anxiety disorder means erectile dysfunction is more commoniii. These conditions can impact your desire for sexual intimacy, but they can be managed.
We touched on this a bit just above, but another key element is to consider how any intrusive thoughts may impact your partner’s sexual experience. If thoughts crop up during sex that understandably cause you to draw away physically or emotionally, it’s important to consider how that might make your partner feel, especially if you’re not talking about it.
However, when you do think about how it might be affecting them, please be compassionate to yourself. It absolutely isn’t your fault. Communicating these thoughts and how they are distracting you to your partner can go a long way in helping you both better understand what’s going on in your head.
Overcoming anxiety and intrusive thoughts during sex
Open dialogue around sex and intimacy is a courageous and important tool in you and your partner’s relationship, and bringing up something like this sets a benchmark for openness and honesty. Also, it can be fun! It’s not unrealistic to assume that both of you will be having irrational and downright funny thoughts from time to time when having sex. Finding humour in the situation can work wonders with letting go of hang ups, The awkward, funny, and uncomfortable parts of sex are all part of the experience.
For example, do you know what turns your partner on in the bedroom? Do they know what you like? If there’s doubt, discussing your dos and don’ts is a great place to start. By being aware of your partners likes and them being conscious of yours, you can both work on creating a space where both your needs are met, and you both feel more equipped to make the experience a good one. It might take one of you being brave to begin with but understanding each other’s needs without any judgement and with plenty of curiosity can only be a good thing. We also wrote a guide on discussing things that are uncomfortable here if you want some pointers.
Essentially, if you don’t know what to say, take some time to establish for yourself what your interests and boundaries are and how you want to communicate them to your partner. This is a really useful skill with any sexual partner you might have, long term or not.
These kinds of conversations set a precedent where nothing is off the table – including talking about things like intrusive thoughts and why you think they might be happening. Your partner is not your therapist, but they might provide some insight into why the thoughts might be popping up. Maybe work is stressful, or something happened recently that upset you. These things have a curious way of sneaking into other aspects of our lives without us knowing, but conversations like this can help you uncover something you might not have considered.
Another tool you can use is mindfulness, which can help you recentre yourself when you feel like you are distracted. There are lots of different ways to approach it, but one great way to do it if you experience a distraction during a sexual experience is to reconnect with your senses. What can you see, hear, touch, smell, and taste? Doing this can help bring you back into the moment and reconnect with the emotional and physical side of sex.
Be kind to yourself
It’s important to remember that sexual experiences are not always straightforward. If you think of sex as a road, you might occasionally drift off the road and experience some bumps, but – without oversimplifying it – you can steer yourself back onto it or even slow down and stop if you need to. It’s easy for us to tell you to not put so much pressure on yourself, but it’s one of the most valuable things you can remember – not just in the context of sex, but in general. Things become a bit less overwhelming and much more attainable when you don’t have such high expectations for yourself.
i Butterfield, A. (2019). Intrusive Thoughts. [online] The OCD & Anxiety Center. Available at: https://theocdandanxietycenter.com/intrusive-thoughts/.
ii Basson, R. and Gilks, T. (2018). Women’s sexual dysfunction associated with psychiatric disorders and their treatment. Women’s Health, 14, p.174550651876266. doi:https://doi.org/10.1177/1745506518762664.
iii Velurajah, R., Brunckhorst, O., Waqar, M., McMullen, I. and Ahmed, K. (2021). Erectile dysfunction in patients with anxiety disorders: a systematic review. International Journal of Impotence Research. doi:https://doi.org/10.1038/s41443-020-00405-4.
